You WILL have fun...

1000 identically clad souls, confined for a minimum of 4 months in a 3 square-mile industrial compound, surrounded by barbed wire, massive concrete barriers, heavily armed guards, high-tech sensors, dogs, the works…..umm,no, this is not Guantanamo Bay. Au contraire, mon frère. Not only are the occupants of this facility more or less voluntarily present; most of them also appear quite happy with the idea.

Where are we? This could be any of several bases of forward-deployed U.S. and coalition troops, maybe on their way to battle terror and evil, maybe on their way home, or maybe they just live here for a few months, doing support jobs (“in the rear, with the gear”). Depending on the branch of service (and personality) of the commanding officer, the outpost’s rules (and consequently, its internal atmosphere) will vary, from gloomy to high-strung, from ho-hum-let’s-get-it-over-with to depressingly gray, from bored-out-of-my-skull to excited-to-be-here (yes, there's still a few of those left).

Given the no-nonsense security posture, particularly in these idyllic garden spots of the world, surrounded by more or less peaceful citizens who are more or less happily going about their business, one might be forgiven for wondering: who is protecting whom from what? These places are generally not under immediate daily threat from enemy fire, and given their locations, it’s fair to say that the respective local governments have a pretty strong grip on internal security. So why the Festung Europa mentality?

Here is the reality: even 7 years after 9/11, and without getting into a rather painful discussion of actual vs. perceived threats, no military commander in his (or her) right career-mind will expose themselves to the accusation of neglecting the safety and security of soldiers in their charge. For the most part, if that entails a certain amount of overkill (pun definitely not intended), and the idea that security comes at the expense of comfort, the answer will be: “you are a soldier, (and a volunteer, at that), so deal with it”. After all, there IS indoor plumbing….

So, here we are…the sun is shining, the birds are singing, spring and love is almost in the air…the actual threat to the Soldier/Airman/Sailor/Marine’s life and limb is not always very evident, or even clear and present. The real question is this: how do you keep these GIs from going nuts, bonkers, bananas, or at least a little stir-crazy? How do you keep them from seriously challenging the bunker mindset, particularly when they see that the entire civilian population around them leads fairly normal lives, wears normal clothes, goes shopping, gets drunk at night, you get the picture?

The answer is twofold: military discipline (plenty of that), and official fun. I won’t spend too much time on the “military good order and discipline” part. Suffice it to say that it’s a mixture of many rules, a few well-placed threats, as well as a sense of honor, integrity, responsibility, excellence, and anal retentive disorder, take your pick, not necessarily in that order. As stated above, the relative importance of each of these factors varies with the personality of the leadership.

Official fun…. Given the seeming oxymoron (it’s not exactly accepted terminology), one is naturally tempted to appeal to one’s inner cynic, to criticize and ridicule that which one doesn’t understand, in short, to put the whole idea in the “typical military bullshit” drawer. Which is pretty much where it belongs. And yet…I’ve already mentioned the career and political constraints, the unwritten rules (alongside the many written ones) that commanders must labor under while still effectively leading, managing and controlling their troops. In other words, a commander’s hands are tied. She/he can’t just open the floodgates, let the troops out, forget the rules, bring in the booze, the bands, and the babes, and let’s party. The days of the officially sanctioned on-base military brothel are obviously past, so what options are left? Interestingly, the dilemma is recognized all the way to the top of the military food chain. Funds are therefore available, meaning that within the bounds of military reason (!!!), the question of how to keep your troops happy (well ok, quiet and obedient) almost literally becomes a matter of individual taste and creativity.

Some examples from around the world, besides the traditional traveling singers, bands and comedians that we know from World War II movies (short intermezzo: unlike the WW II and Vietnam glory days of Bob Hope etc. the comedians come in pairs these days - they make them share rooms to save money - and they don't have their own names anymore; presumably to protect the innocent, they are allowed incredibly creative nicknames -- Mama's Boy (funny guy, he gets it), Military Man (definitely doesn't)...ok, end of intermezzo, back to the list of not-so-traditional current offerings: karaoke evening (mind-boggling cultural highlight), horseback riding (maybe some other time), a talent show (you’d be surprised), hiking trips, massage booths (with VERY strict rules, more on that some other time), billiards & pool, cheerleader visits (ahem), indoor hockey league (not for the faint of knee), shopping trips downtown, local souvenir bazaars, sumo suit wrestling (don't try this at home), country dance night, salsa night (arriba), daily free (and VERY slow) internet, and my personal favorite: Bingo Night (for my non-American friends: bingo is sort of a cross between a European tombola and sudoku). I’m sure there’s more fun to be had out there, but ...not bad, huh?

During these activities and events, the potential for spontaneity, for letting off steam and pent-up frustrations, for briefly forgetting one’s worries about the family, and whatever other emotions one dares to have, is somewhat constrained, given that most places strictly limit or completely forbid alcohol consumption (I’ve seen 0-0, 2-a-day, and 3-a-day limits), but all-in-all, these circenses fulfill their function. Aside from the occasional (very traditional) Air Force vs. Marines fist fight, I’ve yet to see violence erupt in any serious way. So the system definitely works. Even without sex. Yeah, I forgot. There is NO sex on base. Sex is strictly forbidden for reasons of good order and discipline. Male & female dormitories are in separate buildings (no, there is no barbed wire, let’s not get stupid about this - there are code locks on the doors). I’m 99 percent sure nobody breaks the no sex rule, because after all, 1) they don’t sell condoms at the BX. 2) many of us are married, so we’re used to it :-)…but much more importantly, 3) we are highly disciplined and responsible warriors who understand that the mission always comes first and realize that sex is.....overrated….a matter of willpower….unhealthy.... yucky.... unmanly....unwomanly …..a solitary endeavor?....well, you figure it out, I gotta run, because, you got it….it’s BINGO NIGHT.

Much Peace, Love & Cookies to all,

De Luussert ennerwee